2009: Celebrating Failure

It was clear that 2009 was going to be a bad year when the display at Barnes and Noble had, among the multiplicitous calendars of cats, flowers, famous courtesans, and body builders, one labeled “2009: the Year in Financial Failures.”

Each month featured the picture of a powerful financial institution going down the tubes.

Washington Mutual, Merrill Lynch and Wachovia left the market too soon for the final edition. But the publishers assured buyers’ there would be alternate versions, depending on which bank failed.

Then came the notice that California needed a $7 billion loan to make ends meet, and it was quickly arranged to have Alaska take over the trouble state, while Texas was eyed as a potential take over candidate if Michigan failed.

There was some opposition to the California bail out among the gay community, which preferred Texas because of the possibility of widely available cowboy apparel. But they were quickly won over by the argument that Alaska’s lumberjack clothing line would be just as good, and would be better suited for the San Francisco weather.

As Michigan slid down with the auto industry, Texas was a no-brainer. It would be like having a line between the oil field and the gas tank, one politician quibbled. And those loyal to the Michigan name were mollified when the entity was officially labeled “Michigan, a State of Texas company.”

It was remarked that none of this reflected on the justice of any ideal, just that some areas were lucky to have swamps that decayed in petroleum products millions of years ago, and others ended up with a pile of fossilized sponges instead.

The last logical move, which met was universal approval, was to replace Santa Clause as the spirit of Christmas with Warren Buffett.We finally got it right.