Joseph and Mary Visit the Guidance Counselor

"Joseph and Mary, I wanted to talk to you about your son, Yeshua."
"Jesus," Mary corrected.
"Jesus?"
"Oh, yes, he's been studying Geek and likes the ring of the language," said Mary with a bright smile.
"Jesus, then."
"What's the problem. Is he having difficulty with his grades?" Mary queried.
"Oh, no. He's a marvelous student. It's just that things happen."
"Things?" asked Joseph.
"We've been having a rat problem and hired and hired and exterminator to kill them."
"So!" said Joseph.
"And your son brought them all back to life."
"He always did like animals," Mary smiled more broadly.
"Then, there's trouble in sports."
"Trouble? I thought he was a good athlete," Joseph interjected.
"Very capable. But odd things, like during the thunderstorm when he ran for a touchdown by running through a puddle of water."
"A lot of people run through puddles," Joseph said with a puzzled look.
"It was more like he ran over it. It was a trough in the field three-feet deep. And then there's so many issues when he scores."
Joseph frowned. "Scoring is good. Isn't it?"
"He's our top scorer. But when he crosses the goal lines, there are sounds of trumpets and angels singing, and the sun breaks through the clouds and a voice rings out 'This is my beloved son.' It unnerves people."
"A proud father is a proud father," Mary sniffed. Joseph shifted uncomfortably and switched the subject.
"At least he doesn't drink," Joseph opined.
"No, and that's good. but I'm afraid the upper classmen take advantage of him. After they learned he could turn water into wine, they have been offering him many to come to their parties and create beer by the keg. The police had to be called to break up some drunken brawls."
"We've tried to tell him not to do that in the wrong crowd," Mary frowned.
The counselor coughed.
"There was one episode that I chided him about. He was on the class field trip and went to the synagogue. He saw the gift shop and trashed it. He muttered something about a den of thieves. It was a first-time offense, so we overlooked it."
"We'll talk to him," Joseph said sternly.
"Don't bother," the counselor said with a wave of the hand. "There is one last thing that worries me. I guess it's more odd than anything. It's in wood shop."
"Well, his father is a carpenter," Mary beamed.
"Father?" Joseph muttered almost inaudibly. He coughed out, "What's wrong in wood shop?"
"He keeps taking two large beams of wood and laying them perpendicular to each other on the floor. Then he lies down with his hands stretch out across one and his fee on the floor. When he is asked about it, he just says it's his father's will."
Joseph smashed his hand down on the table. "Ouch," he said.
The counselor and Mary hardly noticed.
"I tell the teacher it's just a minor peculiarity. Nothing will probly come of it."

Going Postal

The assertion by the postmaster general that mail delivery may need to be cut one day a week to bail out the service's budget underscores just what government needs. It's time to run the post office just like a business.

Certainly, it's time to abandon the silly idea that it costs the same to mail a stamp 1,000 miles as it does across town. And why should the post office be forced to serve markets where it can't possibly make money.

We can cut back service to costly states likely Montana, Idaho and most of Oregon. Nobody much lives there and why should the rest of us be subsidizing those lifestyles. Hey, they wanted to live in the woods next to nature. Live next to nature. Did you ever see a bear den getting daily mail delivery?

And what an opportunity for the entrepreneurial spirit. Companies will go into business to serve these markets. They'll be able to charge a premium offering a vital service for pick up and delivery--a dollar for a first-class letter. You want your Social Security check, that will be extra? You want to make sure your payment gets to the phone company? Another premium.

Now some argue this will simply encourage more email and online bill payment? Sure, nobody writes letters anymore. But out in the wide open spaces, who can afford the bandwidth, even if you can get it.

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat ... you know the drill. Get serious. If people want their mail in inclement weather, they can pay for it. Snow boots and rain ponchos cost money.

And who can overlook one of the real benefits to this--nobody in delivering this mail is going to bring a submachine gun to work to deal with grudges. These people will be making good money. No one wants to throw that away.

The Luck of the Irish

One of the most unglamorous jobs, that would seem to have been highly desirable, was that of the Irish king.
If the stories are to be believed, the almost-king had to have sex with a mare in public. This must have deterred all but the most determined, or perhaps the loneliest.
As the candidate learned of his decision, he asks the priest incredulously.
"I have to have sex with a horse?"
"That's right."
"You're kidding? My brother put you up to this."
"No, it's in the sacred texts. The King must get it on with a horse."
"Maybe it's a copying error. Someone jokingly said, 'The king must have sex with a young filly.' You know how literal scribes can be."

"Nope. It's with a real horse. It's in all the texts, back to the oldest."

"How about we just engage in some heavy petting?"

"Uh, uh. It has to be stick the royal scepter in and ride her to the finish."

"Do I have to do this more than once? I don't want to come home smelling like a stable and have my wife say, 'You've been with HER again.'"

"Just once. That's all. You just plant the royal seed, show your power and fertility and that's it"

"Well, at least nobody has to know about it but you."

"Oh, no. It's got to be in front of the assembled nobles and priests."

"Did the last king do this?"
"Everyone back to the beginning."

"You know. I'm new here. What did he die of?"

"Hoof and mouth disease."

"I think I'm going to apply for the throne of England. They've got an easier test."
"What's that?"

"Killing a dragon."

2009: Celebrating Failure

It was clear that 2009 was going to be a bad year when the display at Barnes and Noble had, among the multiplicitous calendars of cats, flowers, famous courtesans, and body builders, one labeled “2009: the Year in Financial Failures.”

Each month featured the picture of a powerful financial institution going down the tubes.

Washington Mutual, Merrill Lynch and Wachovia left the market too soon for the final edition. But the publishers assured buyers’ there would be alternate versions, depending on which bank failed.

Then came the notice that California needed a $7 billion loan to make ends meet, and it was quickly arranged to have Alaska take over the trouble state, while Texas was eyed as a potential take over candidate if Michigan failed.

There was some opposition to the California bail out among the gay community, which preferred Texas because of the possibility of widely available cowboy apparel. But they were quickly won over by the argument that Alaska’s lumberjack clothing line would be just as good, and would be better suited for the San Francisco weather.

As Michigan slid down with the auto industry, Texas was a no-brainer. It would be like having a line between the oil field and the gas tank, one politician quibbled. And those loyal to the Michigan name were mollified when the entity was officially labeled “Michigan, a State of Texas company.”

It was remarked that none of this reflected on the justice of any ideal, just that some areas were lucky to have swamps that decayed in petroleum products millions of years ago, and others ended up with a pile of fossilized sponges instead.

The last logical move, which met was universal approval, was to replace Santa Clause as the spirit of Christmas with Warren Buffett.We finally got it right.

Sarah Palin--Not Just Another Pretty Face

Criticism that John McCain’s choice for the Republican vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, lacks experience necessary to be a heart-beat away from the presidency is misguided.

With her credentials as a hunter, she is far better qualified to wield weapons than Dick “Shotgun” Cheney, and the only time she would hit a hunting companion would be if she meant to. And in combat with world leader, such marksmanship could come in handy, given the apparent mood of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

She would certainly win the bathing suit contest over her Democratic opponent Joe Biden. As for her lack of experience in foreign policy, who is better suited to judge the first-ever “Girls of the Third World” selection?

Palin would also be an asset to the GOP effort to solve the energy crisis in supporting the use of whale and walrus blubber to produce fuel that can burn and supplement the sagging U.S. petroleum industry. And global warming can only help a state that could benefit from the need to eliminate the cost of day-to-day living by growing its own food.

Moreover, the Eskimo heritage of her husband would guarantee that any wavering Eskimos would remain on our side in case the cold war returns, or even heats up a bit. And as commander-in-chief of the Alaska National Guard, who is better than this woman on the front line in case of a land invasion by the Russians? You can bet Putin’s troops would never make it past the International dateline as long as she is the state’s chief executive.

As to the charge she tried to get her ex-brother-in-law fired from his job as an Alaska state trooper: Damn, wouldn’t we all like a way to deal with troublesome relatives? This shows daring and innovation that many women would like to emulate with dealing with a bum.

Unfortunately, her biggest problem is probably name recognition. Millions of fans worldwide may confuse her with Monty Python’s Michael Palin. But I say, if this woman can strut around on stage in a beauty pageant, she’s up to anything Michael or the Pythoners ever did with the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Manioc Maniacs

The roots of the manioc plant, the source of tapioca, and the leaves of the rhubarb plant, are both poisonous. How early man discovered ways to produce edible foods from these two deadly vegetables has long been a mystery.

However, the recent discovery of notes from native villages has finally revealed the methodical processes involved. Here are the actual words of the native testers. We start with the Manioc Project, conducted in early South America.

“Okay, we boiled this stuff. And we served it to Fred and Joe. How are they doing?”

“They died painful deaths.”

“That didn’t work. Now in the second experiment, we ground the manioc root before cooking it. Jim and Mike were chosen to digest this. What was the result?”

"They're with Fred and Joe."

“You know, I think if we both boil it and grind it, that it will probably render this palatable. Volunteers?”

There was a lengthy gap in the record before it was noted that this approach had worked.

Next, the committee experimented with rhubarb.

“Now, we also had a test with our rhubarb plants. We mixed the leaves with some iceberg lettuce, a few croutons and a savory dressing. That was served to the girls who are about to be initiated into womanhood. What was their opinion?”

“The initiation ceremony had to be canceled.”

“Well, what about using the plant stalks? Pie anyone?”

Fund Raising Ideas for the Air Lines

The airline industry has been hit hard by rapidly rising fuel prices. And the recent decision of some carriers to charge $25 for the first checked piece of baggage reminds us that we need to contribute to this economy. Here are some suggestions.

Pay toilets. Certainly this is a missed opportunity. Flight attendants could sell tokens for the bathrooms. Coin slots would be installed for toilet paper, paper towels, soap and water. The biggest fundraiser would likely be the Pay-to-Flush feature. It probably wouldn’t sell well to the most recent user. But the next occupants would probably pay any price.

Oxygen. We all know the routine that announces that in case of an emergency oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. It would be a simple retrofit to charge 50 cents for the first 15 minutes and 10 cents for each succeeding 15-minute period of use. (The change machine at the front of the plane will provide change at service charge of ten cents on each dollar. An extra dime will be charge for each dollar exchanged by the attendants).

Air sickness bags. These would be distributed to passengers at no charge. However, there will be a $5 fee to dispose of them during flight.

Movies. Broadcast movies such as Ishtar and Heaven’s Gate to the passengers. The fee would be $6 per headset not to have to listen to these.

Tips. Labor costs would plummet if passengers were expected to provide a 10-percent tip to pilots and 5 percent to flight attendants. Anyone who doesn’t pay up must stay on the plane.

Life Jackets. There will be a $20 fee to have the one under your seat activated for use in case of an emergency.

Arm rests: These are the property of the first passenger in each row to ante up $10. Center seat occupants are expected to be a great market.

Information: Flight attendants will charge each person with a connecting flight two dollars to provide information on the gate and departure status.

Pet survival insurance: Passengers will be charged $25 each for transportation of pets. The fee will be another $25 to make sure they land alive.

Personal services. The highlight of this innovate new offering will be the new Mile-high Club lounges. Convention prices will be available.ere are many more

Certainly, there are many more innovative methods available. But this is a good start.

All About Witch Control

Fundamentalists have spent a great deal of time dealing with the issue of evolution. But they are missing one of the key issues in the Bible—the existence of witches.

There needs to be renewed attention paid to this pressing issue. After all, the scripture declares with complete certainty that “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” (Exodus 22:18) Now, many are conscientious in attacking pagans and other modern fans of the black arts.

But where is the insistence on teaching our children about these dangers? What good is it to have texts that support creationism if they aren’t exposed to this critical message? Clearly, we need to counter those who claim that the word “witch” was a mistranslation. A witch is a witch is a witch—the translator’s hand was divinely guided.

And clearly, this failing extends into other areas.

Remember how Jesus cast out the legion of demons out of a man who was possessed into a herd of swine (which may indicate that the savior was either keeping kosher or was a vegetarian.) It’s clear that demons are an everyday occurrence, although only the savior had the ability to serve as an instant demon exterminator.

It’s obvious that we need lessons about the existence and dangers of demons in our classrooms. Perhaps we could have “Demons—Seven Warning signs.” Or there could be the “Witch and Demon Field Guide.”

After all, how many of us can quickly identify the difference between the northern Ruby-throated demon and the southern Gray-clad demon. Of even know their calls and mating habits. And what kinds of pigs serve as the best hosts for displaced demons?

And who says the demons died with the plague. Perhaps they are still with us. The demon who said “We are legion.” If we encountered him in the United States would they say, “We are American Legion.”?

And are our farmers being carefully trained to raise enough pigs as hosts. We cannot be unprepared. Too much is at stake. And witches? Whether we are descended from monkeys or not, we're here and the apes aren't attacking us. But a witch or too in the wrong place can do a lot of damage.

Practicing for the Next Depression

With economists talking about the current economic client as the most dangerous since the Great Depression, it’s time to start practicing the skills we will need in case things really go down the tubes. Or perhaps we should say, down the subprime lending institution.

Today’s generation doesn’t have the skills to face a major economic showdown. Heck, they have trouble thinking that sales of the iPod might slack or that there was life before dial up. There’s no way that those under 30, perhaps even those under 55, can understand the realities of the late 1920s and the 1930s. The only possibility of preparing these younger generations for a severe downturn is a rigorous application of traditional educational principles. Therefore, I am proud to introduce “Depression 101,” with both classroom and laboratory sections.

The following outlines the basic curriculum:

Apple Selling. The proper techniques for hawking apples on street corners, including dressing, pricing and the varieties with the best flavor and longest shelf life in each metropolitan area.

Creative Use of Stock Certificates. These pieces of paper do have intrinsic value. They can be used to start a fire for making mulligatawny soup. The more creative will pass the time learning macramé. (A mandatory self-defense course is offered for those signing up for this option.

Hobo Etiquette. It’s easier to beg when you know which household is a good mark and which will slam doors and windows on fingers. Learn how to read and leave signs for others from your new itinerant life.

Public Works Enrollment. Be the first in line when the new job camps enlist. It’s been a long time since you were in camp and slept in a bunkhouse. Learn how to avoid mess hall indigestion and meningitis. Practice looking busy without performing too much physical labor.

Riding the Rails. Passenger traffic may be endangered, but there is still an adequate supply of freight cars to many cities. Skills studied include dodging the bulls and distraction for dogs.

Windows 2008: No, this is not about the latest Microsoft operating system. In this section, students with a financial career will locate the best Wall Street windows for leaping. A modicum of physics is involved to study angles necessary in order to avoid crashing into a ledge one story below and actually hit the street.

It may take most people some time to pass this course. Therefore, the outline of “Depression 102,” will not be available until next year.

A Message from the National Knife Association

Few rights are more precious than the right to carry knives. From the beginning of the Republic until today, nothing has served to keep our defense of freedom sharp, than having a sharp blade on hand.

It has only been in the last few years that we have been able to get our message through to our leaders—that the right to be arms extends beyond guns. And that message is being heard from sea to shining sea as we march forward, blades held high.

Where would America be if Daniel Boone couldn’t skin a bear? Or there were no Bowie knife at the Alamo? After all, after you kill a deer, you still have to gut the thing. You can’t do that with a rifle or shotgun.

Knife fighting breeds character. Anyone can take a shot at a person or an animal 100 feet away with a rifle or handgun. It takes real character and courage for an up-close-and-personal fight with a jackknife or a stiletto.

How many gun carriers are as dashing as “Mack the Knife” or “Zorro, the Guy Blade”? (Knives and swords are cousins, separated largely by length.)

There’s no prouder moment than when a parent gives a child that first blade. Learning to safely handle a knife is one of those rites of passage—and it takes discipline to keep a knife sharp and to keep it in safe place in the home.

Think about how much safer the country would be if people were allowed to carry concealed knives. And there’s no danger a knife will go off by accident on a crowded subway that a stray stroke can kill or wound someone two car lengths away. Would 9/11 have happened if two or three people on one of those airplanes had been packing a shiv?

No, knives are the front line of the defense of freedom. Carrying them is part of our sacred birthright.

Remember: When knives are outlawed, only outlaws with have knives!

The Perils of Viagra: A Brief Lesson

A man was walking in the jungle one day and came upon his friend Tarzan who was sitting on the ground.
Tarzan looked dazed. He had bruises all over his body. He was bleeding from several places and there were healed wounds on his body.
The man said, "Tarzan, what happened? You look like crap."
"I know. It's the Viagra I've been taking."
"Viagra. What the hell does Viagra have to do with this?"
"You know Jane wanted to improve our sex life and got to take the stuff. And it's really been great."
"Yeah, but how did you get so beat up."
"Well, when I go swinging through the jungle and try to land on a tree, I keep coming up about six inches short."

The Microsoft Spelling System

Reforming the spelling of English has been of a dream for 200 years.

After all, it would be nice to do away with the vagaries of vowels and consonants that give us words like though, through, tough, thought, cough and cuff.

The problem is there is no one who can make changes stick. There’s no American academy, the way the French and Spanish have academics who purge their languages of unwanted words, larger of English origin.

But we now one unchallenged authority for making the language more sensible, and that is Microsoft with the spellchecking function of Microsoft Word, the ubiquitous word processing software.

Since people will generally believe what the spell checker tells them, changes can be gradually introduced more frequent upgrades to Word, so that the population does not have to absorb the reforms at once.

In Reformed Word 1.00, we can take care of all those “gh” words that are remnants of what used to be something like the German “ch” in loch. Think of the English daughter with the gh pronounced that way. We can move to tho, throo, tuff, thot and goff, and it would certainly make life easier for all the teens who are busily texting to have spelling that is closer to pronunciation.

Version 1.01 will take care of such elements as the “tion” problem. What sense does it have words like nation, population and sensation, spelled this way when they should be nayshen, populayshen and sensaytion. Naturally, Microsoft had to had the y to the a or most would pronounce them nah-shen, populah-shen and sensah-sen, and that would defeat the intent of reform. This version will also rationalize pronunciation of plurals, making it much easier for non-English speakers to learn the language.

It will be much simpler to have all the “z” sounding plurals spelled with zees. “That would give use pluralz, speekerz, upgraydz and kards. Note that in the last word, this version also eliminates the letter c its pronunciations are taken care of by s and k. Of the q also falls by the wayside for kwik, kwit and kwak.

This frees up two letters to take care of sounds that needs separate symbols. C becomes “ch” as it is in many language, so the place of worship is now spelled curc.

Q can be enlisted in distinguishing between the voiced and unvoiced sounds that both represented by the letters th. For those not trained in the jargon of linguistics, that means the “th” sound in that, these, those and breeth (voiced) and the unvoiced sound in think, thin and thik. Notice how we have reformed the spelling of breathe and thick. Since the voiced sound far less common, q is a good letter. We’ll probably have to invent a new symbol.

In version 1.02, the goal will be to take care of then w letters. This will probably be tricky as large parts of the country pronounce the words as hwear, hwen, hwat and hwayl, while much of the North east says wear, wen, wat and wail.

From Microsoft’s point of view, this can open up new markets since it can reshape the dictionary publishing world as we “no” it. (See how great it will be not to have this nasty “kn” words.

I am not sure I'm ready for applying reform to names. Roburt Wilyum Skot? Not yet.

Izod Nation

The renaming of the former Continental Airlines Arena in the New Jersey Meadowlands as the Izod Center got me thinking about the virtues using public property to raise money to reduce taxes.

What better way to memorialize your community than with places bearing the names of such giants of commerce as Qwest with Qwest Field? Of course, there can be some awkward moments, as the one that led to the renaming of Houston’s Enron Field as Minute Maid Park. But that’s business.

It’s truly a shame that Hubert Humphrey Dome Metrodome in Minneapolis wasn’t renamed the 3M Dome. Hubert Humphrey may have spearheaded the changing attitude about civil rights. But 3M pioneered our ability to leave messages with Post-It notes.

And in a day when the tax burden is too high, it seems to me that we have yet to fully exploit the advertising value of our public facilities and prosperities. Once we do, we will laugh at those days when we simply couldn’t grab that last buck.

Think about it. Marriott’s Statue of Liberty.
“Give me your poor, your tired, yearning to breathe free? If you’re tired, and even if you’re poor, you can breathe freely and relax with our special weekend rates.”

Then there’s Prudential Insurance’s Gettysburg Battlefield.

“We here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain. But before death visits your family, protect your possessions and your loved ones.”

Don’t forget to visit Caterpillar’s Grand Canyon.

“Nature can dig deep. But think how much she could have done with a Caterpillar Wheel-Loader."

PSE&G’s Niagara Falls (so we have to split the money with the Canadians.)—“We keep it running.”

Exxon’s Alamo—“Remember the Alamo. Remember to fill up with Exxon.”

Sears' Valley Forge—“Don’t get left out in the cold. Stay warm with a Sears HomePro Furnace.”

Bank of America’s Sequoia National Forest. “Towering over the others.”

Maybe we can replace the eagle with the Izod Alligator.

The Blind Men and the Elephant

The master looked as his students carefully as they sat, encircling him, looking with rapt attention.

“Today, I will teach you to put your self always in the other’s shoes.

Once, there were six blind men who were walking through town when they came upon an elephant. None of them had met an elephant before and they were quite baffled at what to make of this beast, who for some reason, stood obligingly still while they made their observations.

One felt the tail: ‘It’s like a snake,’ he cried.

Another was hit by one of the animal’s large ears. “No, it’s like a plant leaf.’

And as each felt a part of the elephant, each expressed a different view—a tree trunk, a water spout. And after they animal moved, they grouped together, each giving a different view, each growing more insistent of the rightness of their observation.

“And, so,” said the master, “We can learn a great lesson from this? And what is that lesson.”

Jemu, the youngest raised his hand.

“You have the answer, my son?”

“Yes. When you’re in the market for a new elephant, don’t send a bunch of blind guys to do the shopping.”

Ancient Religions: Slinging the Bull's ...

There’s been a long debate about the nature of the adornment on statues of Artemis, the Earth Mother goddess, statues whose images are fairly widely available to the general public.

The debate centers around whether all those sack-like objects ranging from her neck on down are breasts or bull testicles.

It certainly changes your view of this particular religion if the answer is the latter, and having seen an original in a museum in Selcuk, Turkey, I’m much more included to the bull-organ origin. Either that, or the nipples on all those breasts were eroded away over the centuries and it’s hard to believe in a work of art with such detail that the makers simply forgot that breasts have nipples..(Well, maybe they were being reviewed by the Federal Communications Commission and didn't want a fine.)

This theory also suggests why worship of the female deity was suppressed by male-dominated religions. It’s easy to imagine the local male population, watching the first batch moving off the idol assembly line, was a bit jittery when they recognized the nature of the appendages.

“Hey, those things look like bulls’ balls.”

“Yeah. I don’t think I want a date with her. Who'd want to put their hands on those?”

The emotions stemming from the fellowship of male animals led to some immediate steps to encourage female worship to move into another direction, the famous mystery religions of the ancient Greeks.

“The guys in the village got together and we thought it would be great if you women danced naked in the clearing in the forest and caroused in the local caves. Do you think you could do some kissing and wrestling while you’re at it? It would add dignity to the ceremony. And, by the way, we’ll pay you not to make any more of those statues. Nothing personal, we just think they don't add to the beauty and sensitivity of womanhood and your religious values. We’ve got these nifty pictures of a guy named pan with goat feet and some pipes. Have some wine.”

Fortunately for the men, the symbolism of the Diana/Artemis/Earth Mother religion was more than a little blunted when an earthquake knocked down most of the Temple of Diana near Ephesus, the only truly female-oriented entry in the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

Well, they said it was an earthquake, but a mob of local men were seen moving off in the night after visiting a local tavern. It was said they had some ropes and pulleys. But nothing was ever proved.

The Starbucks Recession

As it turned out, an economic downturn was the thing that proved most effective in ending illegal immigration as Hispanics by the thousands fled to jobs south of the Rio Grande, jobs in the factories enabled by NAFTA.

Rather than trying to stop them from heading south across the Rio Grande River, the border patrol was given the duty of handing out discount booklets with offers on housing, food and clothing. Soon, Republicans and Democrats were clamoring for a new “bracero” program to bring workers back and prop up the American manufacturing, farm, restaurant and domestic help industries.

Small towns every erected signs announcing they were “Mexican friendly” and ramped up Spanish language classes in public schools and adult schools. A nationwide program, whose slogan was “Amigos del Norte, Amigos del Sur, Amigos Siempres,” showed up in signs in fast food chains and supermarkets everywhere.

When gasoline hit six dollars a gallon, drive-through facilities became a thing of the past and highways were littered with SUVs, abandoned by drivers who didn’t have enough cash to buy another tank of fuel. Several interstate highways had median strips parceled out for gardens for town and city dwellers.

Then, the mandate for all residents to switch to HDTV was postponed when surveys showed a significant portion of the population would stick with VCRS and DVDs rather than shell out for a new television.

It became a shock to a generation of young Americans, baffled by the inability to buy the next generation of iPods, cell phones, computers and new jeans. They lined up plaintively outside of shuttered Apple stores and cell phone kiosks in malls nationwide. blank looks strewn across their faces.

Wal-Mart cut prices and cut prices, and cut employee wages even more. Somebody suggested replacing the enormous bronze bull in New York’s Wall Street district with a bronze statue of a flattened armadillo lying over a yellow stripe.

Perhaps the greatest indignity was the purchase of Starbucks remaining assets by the McDonald Corp. After all, who could afford to pay $5.05 for a venti cup of mocha or latte. There was at least some hope of being able to scrape together coins for the new McMocha and McLatte and the golden arches.

And thus, it became clear that things would just never be the same.

Modern Knot Theory and the Origin of the Universe

Science has been abuzz with string theory, the concept that all matter ultimately consists of tiny strings that vibrate. But recent thinking has gone far beyond string theory into the revolutionary new view of the world “Modern Knot Theory,” which says the strings are actually tied into knots.

Being tied up in knots, was a concept first expressed by ancient Greek philosophers, who believed universe began as an original ball of twine which started unrolling. This amazingly advanced concept has been confirmed by modern science in what is called “The Big Ball Theory.” No one can adequately explain what started the ball rolling, although some scientists have hypothesized the existence of the Primal Cat. This is viewed as the Cat-aclysmic Theory of Creation.

Those who endorse this view say we can see evidence of the unraveling of the Big Knot, through greatly diminished bits of lint from galaxies billions of light year away as they foul up the Hubble Space telescope.

Knot theory has led to reformulation of quantum mechanics, particularly in the area of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, to state that people who are uncertain about what they are talking about will continue to be uncertain for an indefinite period of time. The biggest problem with quantum physics continues to be that it’s almost impossible to get a quantum mechanic who does good work at a reasonable price. (The uncertainty principle states that it is impossible to know both the location and speed of a particle at a given point in time. The theory was suggested by Heisenberg’s wife who constantly complained that she didn’t know where her husband was most of the time. The other theory about the origin is that most of his colleagues believed Heisenberg uncertain of most things. He was constantly forgetting Avogadro’s number and whether it was unlisted or not.)

Under knot theory, different particles are expressions of how the strings are tied into knots. Those with a religious bent explain God as “The Great Boy Scout” who is constantly reshaping the knots in ways that are not compressible to humans.

However, knot theory faces the same questions as most other theories, particularly when it comes to of universe. Historically, there were those who believed that through entropy all energy would be exhausted and movement would come to a halt.

What happens when the ball is completely unwound is a subject of great controversy.

Cat-aclysm advocates feel the Primal Cat will tug on the string and will start it rewinding This process will be repeated as the universe is unwound and rewound in a continuous cycle. Others feel that when the ball is completely unwound, time and space will stop when the universe reaches the end of its rope and the cat gets bored.

The United States of English

In the end, it turned out the committee’s only easy job was its first motion. Out went the names of all states that weren’t English names.

That took care of all the Spanish names, like California and Florida, and a swarm of Indian names, like Illinois, Michigan and Arkansas. The one French name, Vermont, went too, along with Hawaii, the only name of Polynesian origin. That left New York, New Hampshire, Maine, Washington, and Maryland. Rhode Island was admitted to the English origin group grudgingly while New Jersey, excluded for a quasi-French origin, was quickly dubbed “Meadowland.” And it was finally decided to leave Indiana alone. “Let’ em have one,” was the unpublished reasoning.

But following the provisions of the new “English as an Official Language Law” were more difficult when it came to coming up with replacements for the rest of the union.

Finding substitutes for the Latin names were relatively simple: Pennsylvania became Penn’s Woods, the original meaning. North and South Carolina quickly were designed North and South Caroline. Georgia was likewise renamed the state of George. It got trickier for Virginia and West Virginia when the thought of “Entering the State of Virgin” as a sign on bridges across the Potomac, were a bit to humorous. In the end, a promise of state aid for schools persuaded other regions of Virginia to go for Tidewater. West Virginia opted for the Mountain State, over the protests of the former Colorado (which shunned the idea of a straight translation to “The Colored State” and picked “Vail-Aspen.”)

Commercial interests converted Michigan to the grand “State of Ford.” But more states took an environmental route so that Arizona became Canyon; Montana was Glacier; Utah, Salt Lake; and Kentucky, Blue Grass. New Mexico became Desert and when California was split into two, while the northern part was now the state of Freeway, the lower part was renamed New Mexico (that proposal was to be worked out in the final amendment to the law, along with the Indiana decision), which seemed to better reflect the area’s population.

Towns had to change too—particularly in California, whose map sported names such as the Angels, St. James, and St. Francis. “It was fortunate the state at least had Oakland and Bakersfield,” was one comment. Other major towns needed work.

Translation didn’t work for Chicago, whose name originally meant something like a place with skunks. “The Loop” was adopted and few residents noticed the difference.

New England fared well, with towns like Boston, Quincy, Chatham and the like, in no need of new maps.

All and all, the committee noted in its final minutes, it was a prodigious efforts, but highly satisfying in complying with wishes of the people of the United States of English.

Oh, yes. In its final meeting, it was noted that America stemmed from “Americus Vespucci.”

“We don’t want to be named for some damned Italian,” said one resident of Plains (formerly Kansas), in a sentiment that carried the day.

Young Women and Old Men: The Right Rx?

Few news items brought joy to a certain generation than a report a few months ago that a scientific study found that men in their sixties who have sex with women in their twenties live longer.

It’s the greatest medical discovery in the last 300 years.

From a practical point of view, it suggests a new weapon in the arsenal of persuasion and as I approach that advanced decade, I decided to take advantage of the latest scientific finding and went to a gathering spot.

“It’s a matter of life and death. Don’t you want to help me live longer honey?”

"That's the most ridiculous line I've ever heard," one young lovely responded.

I immediately produced a newspaper article which bore the headline, “Older Men, Younger Women: Perfect Together.”

“What kind of idiot would write something like that?” she retorted

“Hey, I don’t go calling you names, do I?”

But after I more thoroughly explained the benefits, she thought about and agreed.

“Let’s go to my place.”

“No, let’s go out to dinner first. My doctor said not to do this on an empty stomach.”

So we went out to eat at one of the finest restaurants in town. When the food arrived, she commented, “This is costing you an awful lot.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I replied. “The meal and the hotel room are covered. They’re considered medical expenses.”

Out in the car, we started getting friendly but she got irritated.

“Why do you keep staring at my chest?”

“My doctor told me to take two of those every 12 hours, by mouth.”

But wouldn’t you know it, I had trouble getting her bra off. It was child proof.

However, the night turned out fine and we had a nice time for a few months. But then she said, we shouldn’t see each other any more.

“Wasn’t the sex good?"

“It was great,” she responded. “But I called your doctor and he said you don’t have any refills left.”

The Critter Song

Warning, may offend small children and animal rights advocates.

All God's creatures got a place on the plate.
Some get fried and some get baked.
Some just lie there dead on the plate.
And some get sauce on their hands, their paws and anything you got now.

(Repeat endlessly).