Manioc Maniacs

The roots of the manioc plant, the source of tapioca, and the leaves of the rhubarb plant, are both poisonous. How early man discovered ways to produce edible foods from these two deadly vegetables has long been a mystery.

However, the recent discovery of notes from native villages has finally revealed the methodical processes involved. Here are the actual words of the native testers. We start with the Manioc Project, conducted in early South America.

“Okay, we boiled this stuff. And we served it to Fred and Joe. How are they doing?”

“They died painful deaths.”

“That didn’t work. Now in the second experiment, we ground the manioc root before cooking it. Jim and Mike were chosen to digest this. What was the result?”

"They're with Fred and Joe."

“You know, I think if we both boil it and grind it, that it will probably render this palatable. Volunteers?”

There was a lengthy gap in the record before it was noted that this approach had worked.

Next, the committee experimented with rhubarb.

“Now, we also had a test with our rhubarb plants. We mixed the leaves with some iceberg lettuce, a few croutons and a savory dressing. That was served to the girls who are about to be initiated into womanhood. What was their opinion?”

“The initiation ceremony had to be canceled.”

“Well, what about using the plant stalks? Pie anyone?”

Fund Raising Ideas for the Air Lines

The airline industry has been hit hard by rapidly rising fuel prices. And the recent decision of some carriers to charge $25 for the first checked piece of baggage reminds us that we need to contribute to this economy. Here are some suggestions.

Pay toilets. Certainly this is a missed opportunity. Flight attendants could sell tokens for the bathrooms. Coin slots would be installed for toilet paper, paper towels, soap and water. The biggest fundraiser would likely be the Pay-to-Flush feature. It probably wouldn’t sell well to the most recent user. But the next occupants would probably pay any price.

Oxygen. We all know the routine that announces that in case of an emergency oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. It would be a simple retrofit to charge 50 cents for the first 15 minutes and 10 cents for each succeeding 15-minute period of use. (The change machine at the front of the plane will provide change at service charge of ten cents on each dollar. An extra dime will be charge for each dollar exchanged by the attendants).

Air sickness bags. These would be distributed to passengers at no charge. However, there will be a $5 fee to dispose of them during flight.

Movies. Broadcast movies such as Ishtar and Heaven’s Gate to the passengers. The fee would be $6 per headset not to have to listen to these.

Tips. Labor costs would plummet if passengers were expected to provide a 10-percent tip to pilots and 5 percent to flight attendants. Anyone who doesn’t pay up must stay on the plane.

Life Jackets. There will be a $20 fee to have the one under your seat activated for use in case of an emergency.

Arm rests: These are the property of the first passenger in each row to ante up $10. Center seat occupants are expected to be a great market.

Information: Flight attendants will charge each person with a connecting flight two dollars to provide information on the gate and departure status.

Pet survival insurance: Passengers will be charged $25 each for transportation of pets. The fee will be another $25 to make sure they land alive.

Personal services. The highlight of this innovate new offering will be the new Mile-high Club lounges. Convention prices will be available.ere are many more

Certainly, there are many more innovative methods available. But this is a good start.

All About Witch Control

Fundamentalists have spent a great deal of time dealing with the issue of evolution. But they are missing one of the key issues in the Bible—the existence of witches.

There needs to be renewed attention paid to this pressing issue. After all, the scripture declares with complete certainty that “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” (Exodus 22:18) Now, many are conscientious in attacking pagans and other modern fans of the black arts.

But where is the insistence on teaching our children about these dangers? What good is it to have texts that support creationism if they aren’t exposed to this critical message? Clearly, we need to counter those who claim that the word “witch” was a mistranslation. A witch is a witch is a witch—the translator’s hand was divinely guided.

And clearly, this failing extends into other areas.

Remember how Jesus cast out the legion of demons out of a man who was possessed into a herd of swine (which may indicate that the savior was either keeping kosher or was a vegetarian.) It’s clear that demons are an everyday occurrence, although only the savior had the ability to serve as an instant demon exterminator.

It’s obvious that we need lessons about the existence and dangers of demons in our classrooms. Perhaps we could have “Demons—Seven Warning signs.” Or there could be the “Witch and Demon Field Guide.”

After all, how many of us can quickly identify the difference between the northern Ruby-throated demon and the southern Gray-clad demon. Of even know their calls and mating habits. And what kinds of pigs serve as the best hosts for displaced demons?

And who says the demons died with the plague. Perhaps they are still with us. The demon who said “We are legion.” If we encountered him in the United States would they say, “We are American Legion.”?

And are our farmers being carefully trained to raise enough pigs as hosts. We cannot be unprepared. Too much is at stake. And witches? Whether we are descended from monkeys or not, we're here and the apes aren't attacking us. But a witch or too in the wrong place can do a lot of damage.

My mom--the chicken killer

On the farm, a chicken dinner started a bit differently than it does in suburban homes, whether with a bird from the local supermarket or a prefab from KFC. Chicken meant the live squawking things, run down in the barnyard, feet tied and dumped ungracefully in a burlap sack that was dropped into the back of our truck.

Of course, this meant a certain amount of preparation was required, more than say traveled by the potatoes on their way to the gloriousness of being blended with milk and butter.

The job fell to my mother, who never winced at the first step, which involved her walking to the back of one of the smaller farm buildings, ax in one hand and chicken in another, to an awaiting block of wood—one that would probably be split later for use in the stove.

If you’ve hear the phrase, “running around like a chicken with its head cut off”? They do. It was always a brief source of amusement.

From there, the feathers were plucked, and then the pinfeathers addressed. Invariably, this meant a small dish with rubbing alcohol, which was ignited, with the naked body of the foul rotated as the pinfeathers were singed off.

Somehow, I didn’t usually hang around for the ritual removal of the innards. Nor did I inquire what happened to them. I don’t remember anyone in the family with a taste for chicken liver. I do remember examinations of gizzards and somewhat clinical discussions of the gravel inside and how it got there. A woman’s place, I presumed, was in the kitchen disemboweling small animals.

It is the same way that I remember my father’s grimmer activities—hobby is not a good word. Farmers who also had jobs outside the home did not have hobbies. They had part-time activities like fishing, that brought enjoyment, but also brought a meal into the household.

In this case, his activity was very unpolitically correct. He, like most of the men of his generation and like my grandfather, and the men of his generation, trapped. They used those noxious leghold traps, snaring mostly muskrat, along with the occasional mink, raccoon and dog. It was because of the last two that he always carried a single-shot .22-caliber pistol when he ran the trap line.

I joined him. Once. I didn’t mind his dispatching the glaring raccoon that day. I saw no point in walking around in freezing water in the morning.

From there, the departed had to be separated from those unnecessary parts of the earthly remains—which provided a tasty feast for the family dog.

To be turned into usable pelts, the hides were turned inside out, like a glove, and stretched over boards that were rectangular for most of their length, but came to a point end to accommodate the heads.

He hung those from the ceiling of a shed and when I went in to get tools, I would have to swat the flesh white skins and the boards out of the way.

These were the things people did—that men did, that women did. It defined them. It defined me just as our memories of our parents define any of us who can remember them.

It is this transforms something as bland as potato pancakes for one into a favorite food of others or makes the favorite restaurant where burgers are made just right a test that others endure for the sake of friendship.

Beyond dead foul and skinned rodents, it is our recollection of people that brings back the sounds, sounds and aromas. It is connection to the most everyday of everyday things that comes to mind and we are there again and we know who we are.

And that we are loved.

Practicing for the Next Depression

With economists talking about the current economic client as the most dangerous since the Great Depression, it’s time to start practicing the skills we will need in case things really go down the tubes. Or perhaps we should say, down the subprime lending institution.

Today’s generation doesn’t have the skills to face a major economic showdown. Heck, they have trouble thinking that sales of the iPod might slack or that there was life before dial up. There’s no way that those under 30, perhaps even those under 55, can understand the realities of the late 1920s and the 1930s. The only possibility of preparing these younger generations for a severe downturn is a rigorous application of traditional educational principles. Therefore, I am proud to introduce “Depression 101,” with both classroom and laboratory sections.

The following outlines the basic curriculum:

Apple Selling. The proper techniques for hawking apples on street corners, including dressing, pricing and the varieties with the best flavor and longest shelf life in each metropolitan area.

Creative Use of Stock Certificates. These pieces of paper do have intrinsic value. They can be used to start a fire for making mulligatawny soup. The more creative will pass the time learning macramé. (A mandatory self-defense course is offered for those signing up for this option.

Hobo Etiquette. It’s easier to beg when you know which household is a good mark and which will slam doors and windows on fingers. Learn how to read and leave signs for others from your new itinerant life.

Public Works Enrollment. Be the first in line when the new job camps enlist. It’s been a long time since you were in camp and slept in a bunkhouse. Learn how to avoid mess hall indigestion and meningitis. Practice looking busy without performing too much physical labor.

Riding the Rails. Passenger traffic may be endangered, but there is still an adequate supply of freight cars to many cities. Skills studied include dodging the bulls and distraction for dogs.

Windows 2008: No, this is not about the latest Microsoft operating system. In this section, students with a financial career will locate the best Wall Street windows for leaping. A modicum of physics is involved to study angles necessary in order to avoid crashing into a ledge one story below and actually hit the street.

It may take most people some time to pass this course. Therefore, the outline of “Depression 102,” will not be available until next year.

A Message from the National Knife Association

Few rights are more precious than the right to carry knives. From the beginning of the Republic until today, nothing has served to keep our defense of freedom sharp, than having a sharp blade on hand.

It has only been in the last few years that we have been able to get our message through to our leaders—that the right to be arms extends beyond guns. And that message is being heard from sea to shining sea as we march forward, blades held high.

Where would America be if Daniel Boone couldn’t skin a bear? Or there were no Bowie knife at the Alamo? After all, after you kill a deer, you still have to gut the thing. You can’t do that with a rifle or shotgun.

Knife fighting breeds character. Anyone can take a shot at a person or an animal 100 feet away with a rifle or handgun. It takes real character and courage for an up-close-and-personal fight with a jackknife or a stiletto.

How many gun carriers are as dashing as “Mack the Knife” or “Zorro, the Guy Blade”? (Knives and swords are cousins, separated largely by length.)

There’s no prouder moment than when a parent gives a child that first blade. Learning to safely handle a knife is one of those rites of passage—and it takes discipline to keep a knife sharp and to keep it in safe place in the home.

Think about how much safer the country would be if people were allowed to carry concealed knives. And there’s no danger a knife will go off by accident on a crowded subway that a stray stroke can kill or wound someone two car lengths away. Would 9/11 have happened if two or three people on one of those airplanes had been packing a shiv?

No, knives are the front line of the defense of freedom. Carrying them is part of our sacred birthright.

Remember: When knives are outlawed, only outlaws with have knives!

Toilet Humor in which the male race is defended and Mysteries Are Explained.

"Why don’t you aim better?"

This question, nay accusation, is an eternal source of conflict between the sexes. That it remains a mystery is because it has not been effectively explained, which in turn is because it’s a topic that doesn’t lend itself well to television interview.

“Well, Jay, I know I spayed the floor, but I tried to explain to my wife how this happened and she didn’t want to hear it.

Few men have sought to paint bathroom walls a faint yellow. But, alas, we are unfairly accused. Women, of course, think it’s a matter of aim, much like aiming a bullet at a target. If you point the barrel at the middle of the target—the projectile will fly true and straight. It won’t, by metaphor, drip all over target and onto the shooting bullet range.

The male anatomy is not so straightforward (most of the time), regardless of the presumptions of women. Things get twisted. What appears to be a sure aim, is perhaps ever-so slightly askew

You could say, it’s like using a garden hose if, now and then, the garden hose shrinks and gets covered with a plastic flap. And suddenly, instead of nourishing your petunias, your whole face is wet, and at the office, you see how long you can wait for the dark wet trail on your pants to dry before you walk back to your desk.

The most deadly accident is the hidden twist—the aim is careful, but, unbeknownst to the proprietor, there is just a slight deviation in the spout, leaving a stream across your wife’s bathroom slippers.

At least this is easier to deal with then the corollary:

“Why didn’t you put the seat down?”

“I don’t know. Why didn’t you put it up?”