The Luck of the Irish

One of the most unglamorous jobs, that would seem to have been highly desirable, was that of the Irish king.
If the stories are to be believed, the almost-king had to have sex with a mare in public. This must have deterred all but the most determined, or perhaps the loneliest.
As the candidate learned of his decision, he asks the priest incredulously.
"I have to have sex with a horse?"
"That's right."
"You're kidding? My brother put you up to this."
"No, it's in the sacred texts. The King must get it on with a horse."
"Maybe it's a copying error. Someone jokingly said, 'The king must have sex with a young filly.' You know how literal scribes can be."

"Nope. It's with a real horse. It's in all the texts, back to the oldest."

"How about we just engage in some heavy petting?"

"Uh, uh. It has to be stick the royal scepter in and ride her to the finish."

"Do I have to do this more than once? I don't want to come home smelling like a stable and have my wife say, 'You've been with HER again.'"

"Just once. That's all. You just plant the royal seed, show your power and fertility and that's it"

"Well, at least nobody has to know about it but you."

"Oh, no. It's got to be in front of the assembled nobles and priests."

"Did the last king do this?"
"Everyone back to the beginning."

"You know. I'm new here. What did he die of?"

"Hoof and mouth disease."

"I think I'm going to apply for the throne of England. They've got an easier test."
"What's that?"

"Killing a dragon."

The Erectile Dysfunction Ad We'd All Like to Hear

Hi, my name's Heather.

And I know you've been listening to all the advertisements for drugs that combat erectile dysfunction. And we at United Pharmaceuticals want to give you advice on these medications that are so personal, in a more personal way.

We need E.D. can be a difficult subject to discuss with your doctor. But there are less direct ways of saying it than telling your physician, "Doc, I feel like the Hindenburg after the crash." And there's no reason to suffer from a lifetime of regrets. How many times have you heard your mother say, "Oh, if only your father had lived until they invented Viagra."

But as beneficial as these drugs are. We must warn you about side effects. You might experience headache, facial flushing and upset stomach, just like the first time you made a move on a girl in high school. But you're more than 21 years old now and it might be something more serious. And maybe you shouldn't be watching this ad when that women from the office that you have been eying for a the last year. It's like trying take a girl to the prom while she watches you fix a flat tire.

If you experience a loss of vision or ringing in the ears, this may not be a problem. It was just that you were too nervous before going out on the big date. So make sure you didn't poke your eyes out with a tooth brush, and take those pills out of your ears. Should you suffer a bought of dizziness, you should have cut out that list gin and tonic while you were trying to get into her pants.

And if you experience an erection that last more than four hours. Give me a call.
I'm sure we can work on it.

2009: Celebrating Failure

It was clear that 2009 was going to be a bad year when the display at Barnes and Noble had, among the multiplicitous calendars of cats, flowers, famous courtesans, and body builders, one labeled “2009: the Year in Financial Failures.”

Each month featured the picture of a powerful financial institution going down the tubes.

Washington Mutual, Merrill Lynch and Wachovia left the market too soon for the final edition. But the publishers assured buyers’ there would be alternate versions, depending on which bank failed.

Then came the notice that California needed a $7 billion loan to make ends meet, and it was quickly arranged to have Alaska take over the trouble state, while Texas was eyed as a potential take over candidate if Michigan failed.

There was some opposition to the California bail out among the gay community, which preferred Texas because of the possibility of widely available cowboy apparel. But they were quickly won over by the argument that Alaska’s lumberjack clothing line would be just as good, and would be better suited for the San Francisco weather.

As Michigan slid down with the auto industry, Texas was a no-brainer. It would be like having a line between the oil field and the gas tank, one politician quibbled. And those loyal to the Michigan name were mollified when the entity was officially labeled “Michigan, a State of Texas company.”

It was remarked that none of this reflected on the justice of any ideal, just that some areas were lucky to have swamps that decayed in petroleum products millions of years ago, and others ended up with a pile of fossilized sponges instead.

The last logical move, which met was universal approval, was to replace Santa Clause as the spirit of Christmas with Warren Buffett.We finally got it right.

Sarah Palin--Not Just Another Pretty Face

Criticism that John McCain’s choice for the Republican vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, lacks experience necessary to be a heart-beat away from the presidency is misguided.

With her credentials as a hunter, she is far better qualified to wield weapons than Dick “Shotgun” Cheney, and the only time she would hit a hunting companion would be if she meant to. And in combat with world leader, such marksmanship could come in handy, given the apparent mood of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

She would certainly win the bathing suit contest over her Democratic opponent Joe Biden. As for her lack of experience in foreign policy, who is better suited to judge the first-ever “Girls of the Third World” selection?

Palin would also be an asset to the GOP effort to solve the energy crisis in supporting the use of whale and walrus blubber to produce fuel that can burn and supplement the sagging U.S. petroleum industry. And global warming can only help a state that could benefit from the need to eliminate the cost of day-to-day living by growing its own food.

Moreover, the Eskimo heritage of her husband would guarantee that any wavering Eskimos would remain on our side in case the cold war returns, or even heats up a bit. And as commander-in-chief of the Alaska National Guard, who is better than this woman on the front line in case of a land invasion by the Russians? You can bet Putin’s troops would never make it past the International dateline as long as she is the state’s chief executive.

As to the charge she tried to get her ex-brother-in-law fired from his job as an Alaska state trooper: Damn, wouldn’t we all like a way to deal with troublesome relatives? This shows daring and innovation that many women would like to emulate with dealing with a bum.

Unfortunately, her biggest problem is probably name recognition. Millions of fans worldwide may confuse her with Monty Python’s Michael Palin. But I say, if this woman can strut around on stage in a beauty pageant, she’s up to anything Michael or the Pythoners ever did with the Ministry of Silly Walks.

Manioc Maniacs

The roots of the manioc plant, the source of tapioca, and the leaves of the rhubarb plant, are both poisonous. How early man discovered ways to produce edible foods from these two deadly vegetables has long been a mystery.

However, the recent discovery of notes from native villages has finally revealed the methodical processes involved. Here are the actual words of the native testers. We start with the Manioc Project, conducted in early South America.

“Okay, we boiled this stuff. And we served it to Fred and Joe. How are they doing?”

“They died painful deaths.”

“That didn’t work. Now in the second experiment, we ground the manioc root before cooking it. Jim and Mike were chosen to digest this. What was the result?”

"They're with Fred and Joe."

“You know, I think if we both boil it and grind it, that it will probably render this palatable. Volunteers?”

There was a lengthy gap in the record before it was noted that this approach had worked.

Next, the committee experimented with rhubarb.

“Now, we also had a test with our rhubarb plants. We mixed the leaves with some iceberg lettuce, a few croutons and a savory dressing. That was served to the girls who are about to be initiated into womanhood. What was their opinion?”

“The initiation ceremony had to be canceled.”

“Well, what about using the plant stalks? Pie anyone?”

Fund Raising Ideas for the Air Lines

The airline industry has been hit hard by rapidly rising fuel prices. And the recent decision of some carriers to charge $25 for the first checked piece of baggage reminds us that we need to contribute to this economy. Here are some suggestions.

Pay toilets. Certainly this is a missed opportunity. Flight attendants could sell tokens for the bathrooms. Coin slots would be installed for toilet paper, paper towels, soap and water. The biggest fundraiser would likely be the Pay-to-Flush feature. It probably wouldn’t sell well to the most recent user. But the next occupants would probably pay any price.

Oxygen. We all know the routine that announces that in case of an emergency oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. It would be a simple retrofit to charge 50 cents for the first 15 minutes and 10 cents for each succeeding 15-minute period of use. (The change machine at the front of the plane will provide change at service charge of ten cents on each dollar. An extra dime will be charge for each dollar exchanged by the attendants).

Air sickness bags. These would be distributed to passengers at no charge. However, there will be a $5 fee to dispose of them during flight.

Movies. Broadcast movies such as Ishtar and Heaven’s Gate to the passengers. The fee would be $6 per headset not to have to listen to these.

Tips. Labor costs would plummet if passengers were expected to provide a 10-percent tip to pilots and 5 percent to flight attendants. Anyone who doesn’t pay up must stay on the plane.

Life Jackets. There will be a $20 fee to have the one under your seat activated for use in case of an emergency.

Arm rests: These are the property of the first passenger in each row to ante up $10. Center seat occupants are expected to be a great market.

Information: Flight attendants will charge each person with a connecting flight two dollars to provide information on the gate and departure status.

Pet survival insurance: Passengers will be charged $25 each for transportation of pets. The fee will be another $25 to make sure they land alive.

Personal services. The highlight of this innovate new offering will be the new Mile-high Club lounges. Convention prices will be available.ere are many more

Certainly, there are many more innovative methods available. But this is a good start.

All About Witch Control

Fundamentalists have spent a great deal of time dealing with the issue of evolution. But they are missing one of the key issues in the Bible—the existence of witches.

There needs to be renewed attention paid to this pressing issue. After all, the scripture declares with complete certainty that “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” (Exodus 22:18) Now, many are conscientious in attacking pagans and other modern fans of the black arts.

But where is the insistence on teaching our children about these dangers? What good is it to have texts that support creationism if they aren’t exposed to this critical message? Clearly, we need to counter those who claim that the word “witch” was a mistranslation. A witch is a witch is a witch—the translator’s hand was divinely guided.

And clearly, this failing extends into other areas.

Remember how Jesus cast out the legion of demons out of a man who was possessed into a herd of swine (which may indicate that the savior was either keeping kosher or was a vegetarian.) It’s clear that demons are an everyday occurrence, although only the savior had the ability to serve as an instant demon exterminator.

It’s obvious that we need lessons about the existence and dangers of demons in our classrooms. Perhaps we could have “Demons—Seven Warning signs.” Or there could be the “Witch and Demon Field Guide.”

After all, how many of us can quickly identify the difference between the northern Ruby-throated demon and the southern Gray-clad demon. Of even know their calls and mating habits. And what kinds of pigs serve as the best hosts for displaced demons?

And who says the demons died with the plague. Perhaps they are still with us. The demon who said “We are legion.” If we encountered him in the United States would they say, “We are American Legion.”?

And are our farmers being carefully trained to raise enough pigs as hosts. We cannot be unprepared. Too much is at stake. And witches? Whether we are descended from monkeys or not, we're here and the apes aren't attacking us. But a witch or too in the wrong place can do a lot of damage.