Orphans with a Chip on their Shoulder

When the movie "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Price" reveals that Voldemart, who started life as a preppy kid named Tom Riddle, was an orphan, it set the fight of good and evil on a different stage--one between characters whose parents died.

What is it about orphans? Kal-El lost a planet and became Clark Kent and Superman, a force for good. Bruce Wayne's parents were murdered and he trod the virtuous path as Batman, while Robin was orphaned in an act of circus sabotage. Orphaned Peter Parker transformed a spider bite into a war on crime. That's a lot of Superheroes who were brought up outside the biological nuclear family.

On the other side, Magneto in X-Men was orphaned as a boy by the Holocaust and turned to seeking revenge on the world of humankind, a hatred similar to that expressed in Voldemart, who was institutionalized because of his status, and it clearly hadn't gone well.

Do orphans have a different motivation from those with parents? Should we assume the evil lord, Sauron, from Lord of the Rings was an orphan because if he had parents going, "He's got a big eye. Yes him does, He's got a big bright eyes-wisey. Yes him does" he would have been easier on Middle Earth and spent less time in the company of the United Brotherhood of Orcs? Would Esther, the child of evil in "The Orphan" have been better if someone had taken her out for ice cream so often?

Orphans touch on two primal fears: The fear of abandonment, which is strong in children, largely fear of abandonment by parents, while in adults it is more fear of abandonment by friends or spouses. And then there is the fear that we don't know who we are, that perhaps we really were left on the stoop and our parents covered this up.

And these characters tap into the power of these fears. Harry is supported by love, but as the choosing hat declares in the first movie, he has a desire to prove himself. All of us do. But this seems deeper seated. Both Magneto and Voldemort suggest that while this power can be turned to good, some seek to hurt the world to make up for the hurt they have suffered.

Thus is born a battle between love and hate.

Joseph and Mary Visit the Guidance Counselor

"Joseph and Mary, I wanted to talk to you about your son, Yeshua."
"Jesus," Mary corrected.
"Jesus?"
"Oh, yes, he's been studying Geek and likes the ring of the language," said Mary with a bright smile.
"Jesus, then."
"What's the problem. Is he having difficulty with his grades?" Mary queried.
"Oh, no. He's a marvelous student. It's just that things happen."
"Things?" asked Joseph.
"We've been having a rat problem and hired and hired and exterminator to kill them."
"So!" said Joseph.
"And your son brought them all back to life."
"He always did like animals," Mary smiled more broadly.
"Then, there's trouble in sports."
"Trouble? I thought he was a good athlete," Joseph interjected.
"Very capable. But odd things, like during the thunderstorm when he ran for a touchdown by running through a puddle of water."
"A lot of people run through puddles," Joseph said with a puzzled look.
"It was more like he ran over it. It was a trough in the field three-feet deep. And then there's so many issues when he scores."
Joseph frowned. "Scoring is good. Isn't it?"
"He's our top scorer. But when he crosses the goal lines, there are sounds of trumpets and angels singing, and the sun breaks through the clouds and a voice rings out 'This is my beloved son.' It unnerves people."
"A proud father is a proud father," Mary sniffed. Joseph shifted uncomfortably and switched the subject.
"At least he doesn't drink," Joseph opined.
"No, and that's good. but I'm afraid the upper classmen take advantage of him. After they learned he could turn water into wine, they have been offering him many to come to their parties and create beer by the keg. The police had to be called to break up some drunken brawls."
"We've tried to tell him not to do that in the wrong crowd," Mary frowned.
The counselor coughed.
"There was one episode that I chided him about. He was on the class field trip and went to the synagogue. He saw the gift shop and trashed it. He muttered something about a den of thieves. It was a first-time offense, so we overlooked it."
"We'll talk to him," Joseph said sternly.
"Don't bother," the counselor said with a wave of the hand. "There is one last thing that worries me. I guess it's more odd than anything. It's in wood shop."
"Well, his father is a carpenter," Mary beamed.
"Father?" Joseph muttered almost inaudibly. He coughed out, "What's wrong in wood shop?"
"He keeps taking two large beams of wood and laying them perpendicular to each other on the floor. Then he lies down with his hands stretch out across one and his fee on the floor. When he is asked about it, he just says it's his father's will."
Joseph smashed his hand down on the table. "Ouch," he said.
The counselor and Mary hardly noticed.
"I tell the teacher it's just a minor peculiarity. Nothing will probly come of it."

The O.J. Effect

The O.J. Simpson murder case was a mark of progress in race relations.

No, I'm not talking about the judge, jury, prosecution or defense in this now 15-year old murder case in the usual sense. And I have no doubt that the rage we saw in Simpson's relatively recent conviction in the Las Vegas case involving memorabilia showed us the man that slew Ron Goldman and Nicole Simpson.

The important thing was that it showed that blacks have come far enough in America that a rich black man with money can beat the rap. It's a viewpoint that I haven't seen discussed in the years that have passed since the famous White Bronco slow-mo chase and slow-mo trial.

This is not a cynical dismissal of the verdict. This is a recognition that in the past, a rich and famous black man accused of serious crime would not have beaten the system, if you believe Simpson to be guilty or that he would have been acquitted, if you believe he was innocent. A black man accused of murdering a white woman would have been lynched in most of America.
At best, he might have been driven from his home.

Take the boxer Jack Johnson, who was convicted of violating the Mann Act, simply for consorting with (and marrying two) white women and for whom there has been a repeated pleas for pardons.

When we look back at the election of Barack Obama as president in the United States in 2008, perhaps we can remember that there was another important, if not particularly noble, landmark in the Simpson case.

Going Postal

The assertion by the postmaster general that mail delivery may need to be cut one day a week to bail out the service's budget underscores just what government needs. It's time to run the post office just like a business.

Certainly, it's time to abandon the silly idea that it costs the same to mail a stamp 1,000 miles as it does across town. And why should the post office be forced to serve markets where it can't possibly make money.

We can cut back service to costly states likely Montana, Idaho and most of Oregon. Nobody much lives there and why should the rest of us be subsidizing those lifestyles. Hey, they wanted to live in the woods next to nature. Live next to nature. Did you ever see a bear den getting daily mail delivery?

And what an opportunity for the entrepreneurial spirit. Companies will go into business to serve these markets. They'll be able to charge a premium offering a vital service for pick up and delivery--a dollar for a first-class letter. You want your Social Security check, that will be extra? You want to make sure your payment gets to the phone company? Another premium.

Now some argue this will simply encourage more email and online bill payment? Sure, nobody writes letters anymore. But out in the wide open spaces, who can afford the bandwidth, even if you can get it.

Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat ... you know the drill. Get serious. If people want their mail in inclement weather, they can pay for it. Snow boots and rain ponchos cost money.

And who can overlook one of the real benefits to this--nobody in delivering this mail is going to bring a submachine gun to work to deal with grudges. These people will be making good money. No one wants to throw that away.

The Luck of the Irish

One of the most unglamorous jobs, that would seem to have been highly desirable, was that of the Irish king.
If the stories are to be believed, the almost-king had to have sex with a mare in public. This must have deterred all but the most determined, or perhaps the loneliest.
As the candidate learned of his decision, he asks the priest incredulously.
"I have to have sex with a horse?"
"That's right."
"You're kidding? My brother put you up to this."
"No, it's in the sacred texts. The King must get it on with a horse."
"Maybe it's a copying error. Someone jokingly said, 'The king must have sex with a young filly.' You know how literal scribes can be."

"Nope. It's with a real horse. It's in all the texts, back to the oldest."

"How about we just engage in some heavy petting?"

"Uh, uh. It has to be stick the royal scepter in and ride her to the finish."

"Do I have to do this more than once? I don't want to come home smelling like a stable and have my wife say, 'You've been with HER again.'"

"Just once. That's all. You just plant the royal seed, show your power and fertility and that's it"

"Well, at least nobody has to know about it but you."

"Oh, no. It's got to be in front of the assembled nobles and priests."

"Did the last king do this?"
"Everyone back to the beginning."

"You know. I'm new here. What did he die of?"

"Hoof and mouth disease."

"I think I'm going to apply for the throne of England. They've got an easier test."
"What's that?"

"Killing a dragon."

The Erectile Dysfunction Ad We'd All Like to Hear

Hi, my name's Heather.

And I know you've been listening to all the advertisements for drugs that combat erectile dysfunction. And we at United Pharmaceuticals want to give you advice on these medications that are so personal, in a more personal way.

We need E.D. can be a difficult subject to discuss with your doctor. But there are less direct ways of saying it than telling your physician, "Doc, I feel like the Hindenburg after the crash." And there's no reason to suffer from a lifetime of regrets. How many times have you heard your mother say, "Oh, if only your father had lived until they invented Viagra."

But as beneficial as these drugs are. We must warn you about side effects. You might experience headache, facial flushing and upset stomach, just like the first time you made a move on a girl in high school. But you're more than 21 years old now and it might be something more serious. And maybe you shouldn't be watching this ad when that women from the office that you have been eying for a the last year. It's like trying take a girl to the prom while she watches you fix a flat tire.

If you experience a loss of vision or ringing in the ears, this may not be a problem. It was just that you were too nervous before going out on the big date. So make sure you didn't poke your eyes out with a tooth brush, and take those pills out of your ears. Should you suffer a bought of dizziness, you should have cut out that list gin and tonic while you were trying to get into her pants.

And if you experience an erection that last more than four hours. Give me a call.
I'm sure we can work on it.

2009: Celebrating Failure

It was clear that 2009 was going to be a bad year when the display at Barnes and Noble had, among the multiplicitous calendars of cats, flowers, famous courtesans, and body builders, one labeled “2009: the Year in Financial Failures.”

Each month featured the picture of a powerful financial institution going down the tubes.

Washington Mutual, Merrill Lynch and Wachovia left the market too soon for the final edition. But the publishers assured buyers’ there would be alternate versions, depending on which bank failed.

Then came the notice that California needed a $7 billion loan to make ends meet, and it was quickly arranged to have Alaska take over the trouble state, while Texas was eyed as a potential take over candidate if Michigan failed.

There was some opposition to the California bail out among the gay community, which preferred Texas because of the possibility of widely available cowboy apparel. But they were quickly won over by the argument that Alaska’s lumberjack clothing line would be just as good, and would be better suited for the San Francisco weather.

As Michigan slid down with the auto industry, Texas was a no-brainer. It would be like having a line between the oil field and the gas tank, one politician quibbled. And those loyal to the Michigan name were mollified when the entity was officially labeled “Michigan, a State of Texas company.”

It was remarked that none of this reflected on the justice of any ideal, just that some areas were lucky to have swamps that decayed in petroleum products millions of years ago, and others ended up with a pile of fossilized sponges instead.

The last logical move, which met was universal approval, was to replace Santa Clause as the spirit of Christmas with Warren Buffett.We finally got it right.