Practicing for the Next Depression

With economists talking about the current economic client as the most dangerous since the Great Depression, it’s time to start practicing the skills we will need in case things really go down the tubes. Or perhaps we should say, down the subprime lending institution.

Today’s generation doesn’t have the skills to face a major economic showdown. Heck, they have trouble thinking that sales of the iPod might slack or that there was life before dial up. There’s no way that those under 30, perhaps even those under 55, can understand the realities of the late 1920s and the 1930s. The only possibility of preparing these younger generations for a severe downturn is a rigorous application of traditional educational principles. Therefore, I am proud to introduce “Depression 101,” with both classroom and laboratory sections.

The following outlines the basic curriculum:

Apple Selling. The proper techniques for hawking apples on street corners, including dressing, pricing and the varieties with the best flavor and longest shelf life in each metropolitan area.

Creative Use of Stock Certificates. These pieces of paper do have intrinsic value. They can be used to start a fire for making mulligatawny soup. The more creative will pass the time learning macramé. (A mandatory self-defense course is offered for those signing up for this option.

Hobo Etiquette. It’s easier to beg when you know which household is a good mark and which will slam doors and windows on fingers. Learn how to read and leave signs for others from your new itinerant life.

Public Works Enrollment. Be the first in line when the new job camps enlist. It’s been a long time since you were in camp and slept in a bunkhouse. Learn how to avoid mess hall indigestion and meningitis. Practice looking busy without performing too much physical labor.

Riding the Rails. Passenger traffic may be endangered, but there is still an adequate supply of freight cars to many cities. Skills studied include dodging the bulls and distraction for dogs.

Windows 2008: No, this is not about the latest Microsoft operating system. In this section, students with a financial career will locate the best Wall Street windows for leaping. A modicum of physics is involved to study angles necessary in order to avoid crashing into a ledge one story below and actually hit the street.

It may take most people some time to pass this course. Therefore, the outline of “Depression 102,” will not be available until next year.