Fund Raising Ideas for the Air Lines

The airline industry has been hit hard by rapidly rising fuel prices. And the recent decision of some carriers to charge $25 for the first checked piece of baggage reminds us that we need to contribute to this economy. Here are some suggestions.

Pay toilets. Certainly this is a missed opportunity. Flight attendants could sell tokens for the bathrooms. Coin slots would be installed for toilet paper, paper towels, soap and water. The biggest fundraiser would likely be the Pay-to-Flush feature. It probably wouldn’t sell well to the most recent user. But the next occupants would probably pay any price.

Oxygen. We all know the routine that announces that in case of an emergency oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. It would be a simple retrofit to charge 50 cents for the first 15 minutes and 10 cents for each succeeding 15-minute period of use. (The change machine at the front of the plane will provide change at service charge of ten cents on each dollar. An extra dime will be charge for each dollar exchanged by the attendants).

Air sickness bags. These would be distributed to passengers at no charge. However, there will be a $5 fee to dispose of them during flight.

Movies. Broadcast movies such as Ishtar and Heaven’s Gate to the passengers. The fee would be $6 per headset not to have to listen to these.

Tips. Labor costs would plummet if passengers were expected to provide a 10-percent tip to pilots and 5 percent to flight attendants. Anyone who doesn’t pay up must stay on the plane.

Life Jackets. There will be a $20 fee to have the one under your seat activated for use in case of an emergency.

Arm rests: These are the property of the first passenger in each row to ante up $10. Center seat occupants are expected to be a great market.

Information: Flight attendants will charge each person with a connecting flight two dollars to provide information on the gate and departure status.

Pet survival insurance: Passengers will be charged $25 each for transportation of pets. The fee will be another $25 to make sure they land alive.

Personal services. The highlight of this innovate new offering will be the new Mile-high Club lounges. Convention prices will be available.ere are many more

Certainly, there are many more innovative methods available. But this is a good start.

All About Witch Control

Fundamentalists have spent a great deal of time dealing with the issue of evolution. But they are missing one of the key issues in the Bible—the existence of witches.

There needs to be renewed attention paid to this pressing issue. After all, the scripture declares with complete certainty that “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live” (Exodus 22:18) Now, many are conscientious in attacking pagans and other modern fans of the black arts.

But where is the insistence on teaching our children about these dangers? What good is it to have texts that support creationism if they aren’t exposed to this critical message? Clearly, we need to counter those who claim that the word “witch” was a mistranslation. A witch is a witch is a witch—the translator’s hand was divinely guided.

And clearly, this failing extends into other areas.

Remember how Jesus cast out the legion of demons out of a man who was possessed into a herd of swine (which may indicate that the savior was either keeping kosher or was a vegetarian.) It’s clear that demons are an everyday occurrence, although only the savior had the ability to serve as an instant demon exterminator.

It’s obvious that we need lessons about the existence and dangers of demons in our classrooms. Perhaps we could have “Demons—Seven Warning signs.” Or there could be the “Witch and Demon Field Guide.”

After all, how many of us can quickly identify the difference between the northern Ruby-throated demon and the southern Gray-clad demon. Of even know their calls and mating habits. And what kinds of pigs serve as the best hosts for displaced demons?

And who says the demons died with the plague. Perhaps they are still with us. The demon who said “We are legion.” If we encountered him in the United States would they say, “We are American Legion.”?

And are our farmers being carefully trained to raise enough pigs as hosts. We cannot be unprepared. Too much is at stake. And witches? Whether we are descended from monkeys or not, we're here and the apes aren't attacking us. But a witch or too in the wrong place can do a lot of damage.