Ancient Religions: Slinging the Bull's ...

There’s been a long debate about the nature of the adornment on statues of Artemis, the Earth Mother goddess, statues whose images are fairly widely available to the general public.

The debate centers around whether all those sack-like objects ranging from her neck on down are breasts or bull testicles.

It certainly changes your view of this particular religion if the answer is the latter, and having seen an original in a museum in Selcuk, Turkey, I’m much more included to the bull-organ origin. Either that, or the nipples on all those breasts were eroded away over the centuries and it’s hard to believe in a work of art with such detail that the makers simply forgot that breasts have nipples..(Well, maybe they were being reviewed by the Federal Communications Commission and didn't want a fine.)

This theory also suggests why worship of the female deity was suppressed by male-dominated religions. It’s easy to imagine the local male population, watching the first batch moving off the idol assembly line, was a bit jittery when they recognized the nature of the appendages.

“Hey, those things look like bulls’ balls.”

“Yeah. I don’t think I want a date with her. Who'd want to put their hands on those?”

The emotions stemming from the fellowship of male animals led to some immediate steps to encourage female worship to move into another direction, the famous mystery religions of the ancient Greeks.

“The guys in the village got together and we thought it would be great if you women danced naked in the clearing in the forest and caroused in the local caves. Do you think you could do some kissing and wrestling while you’re at it? It would add dignity to the ceremony. And, by the way, we’ll pay you not to make any more of those statues. Nothing personal, we just think they don't add to the beauty and sensitivity of womanhood and your religious values. We’ve got these nifty pictures of a guy named pan with goat feet and some pipes. Have some wine.”

Fortunately for the men, the symbolism of the Diana/Artemis/Earth Mother religion was more than a little blunted when an earthquake knocked down most of the Temple of Diana near Ephesus, the only truly female-oriented entry in the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World.

Well, they said it was an earthquake, but a mob of local men were seen moving off in the night after visiting a local tavern. It was said they had some ropes and pulleys. But nothing was ever proved.

The Starbucks Recession

As it turned out, an economic downturn was the thing that proved most effective in ending illegal immigration as Hispanics by the thousands fled to jobs south of the Rio Grande, jobs in the factories enabled by NAFTA.

Rather than trying to stop them from heading south across the Rio Grande River, the border patrol was given the duty of handing out discount booklets with offers on housing, food and clothing. Soon, Republicans and Democrats were clamoring for a new “bracero” program to bring workers back and prop up the American manufacturing, farm, restaurant and domestic help industries.

Small towns every erected signs announcing they were “Mexican friendly” and ramped up Spanish language classes in public schools and adult schools. A nationwide program, whose slogan was “Amigos del Norte, Amigos del Sur, Amigos Siempres,” showed up in signs in fast food chains and supermarkets everywhere.

When gasoline hit six dollars a gallon, drive-through facilities became a thing of the past and highways were littered with SUVs, abandoned by drivers who didn’t have enough cash to buy another tank of fuel. Several interstate highways had median strips parceled out for gardens for town and city dwellers.

Then, the mandate for all residents to switch to HDTV was postponed when surveys showed a significant portion of the population would stick with VCRS and DVDs rather than shell out for a new television.

It became a shock to a generation of young Americans, baffled by the inability to buy the next generation of iPods, cell phones, computers and new jeans. They lined up plaintively outside of shuttered Apple stores and cell phone kiosks in malls nationwide. blank looks strewn across their faces.

Wal-Mart cut prices and cut prices, and cut employee wages even more. Somebody suggested replacing the enormous bronze bull in New York’s Wall Street district with a bronze statue of a flattened armadillo lying over a yellow stripe.

Perhaps the greatest indignity was the purchase of Starbucks remaining assets by the McDonald Corp. After all, who could afford to pay $5.05 for a venti cup of mocha or latte. There was at least some hope of being able to scrape together coins for the new McMocha and McLatte and the golden arches.

And thus, it became clear that things would just never be the same.

The Ant and the Grasshpper

Once upon a time there was a colony of ants that lived in the ground near a tin can by a tree stump. They lived in a broad meadow which had lots of food and was a perfect place to bring up larva.

The ants were industrious, working day and night, waking with the dawn and falling into their holes at night exhausted. Not so their neighbor, George Grasshopper, who sang, played and drank throughout the day.

“You’ll be sorry, George Grasshopper,” the ants said over and over. “Winter will come and you will have no food, no home.”

But George just laughed.

As the ants kept working, they decided they needed to have ways to bring in more food and a way to pay for it. So they had a meeting in the Union Hall on the other side of the tin can.
“We should build a mall,” said Uncle Charlie Ant, as he chomped away on his cigar. “That way we can rent out the space and we’ll have enough money to buy everything we need.”

So the ants worked hard. They drew up plans. They cleared the earth. And they brought in load after load of building material. They hired the finest ant carpenters and the best ant architects. They put their top supervisors on the job.

“You’re working too hard,” sniped George Grasshopper.

But the ants smiled and worked. They would soon be done and winter was almost upon them.

Then, one chilly day, it was done. The mall was finished and the ants held a groundbreaking ceremony and they invited George as a token of good will.

But George arrived with a team of roach lawyers and a deed to the property. After a court case, he seized the mall and the grassy meadow and evicted the ants, who died by the millions in the cold winter.

The moral of the story? It’s better to be a grasshopper with income-producing property, than an ant.

Modern Knot Theory and the Origin of the Universe

Science has been abuzz with string theory, the concept that all matter ultimately consists of tiny strings that vibrate. But recent thinking has gone far beyond string theory into the revolutionary new view of the world “Modern Knot Theory,” which says the strings are actually tied into knots.

Being tied up in knots, was a concept first expressed by ancient Greek philosophers, who believed universe began as an original ball of twine which started unrolling. This amazingly advanced concept has been confirmed by modern science in what is called “The Big Ball Theory.” No one can adequately explain what started the ball rolling, although some scientists have hypothesized the existence of the Primal Cat. This is viewed as the Cat-aclysmic Theory of Creation.

Those who endorse this view say we can see evidence of the unraveling of the Big Knot, through greatly diminished bits of lint from galaxies billions of light year away as they foul up the Hubble Space telescope.

Knot theory has led to reformulation of quantum mechanics, particularly in the area of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, to state that people who are uncertain about what they are talking about will continue to be uncertain for an indefinite period of time. The biggest problem with quantum physics continues to be that it’s almost impossible to get a quantum mechanic who does good work at a reasonable price. (The uncertainty principle states that it is impossible to know both the location and speed of a particle at a given point in time. The theory was suggested by Heisenberg’s wife who constantly complained that she didn’t know where her husband was most of the time. The other theory about the origin is that most of his colleagues believed Heisenberg uncertain of most things. He was constantly forgetting Avogadro’s number and whether it was unlisted or not.)

Under knot theory, different particles are expressions of how the strings are tied into knots. Those with a religious bent explain God as “The Great Boy Scout” who is constantly reshaping the knots in ways that are not compressible to humans.

However, knot theory faces the same questions as most other theories, particularly when it comes to of universe. Historically, there were those who believed that through entropy all energy would be exhausted and movement would come to a halt.

What happens when the ball is completely unwound is a subject of great controversy.

Cat-aclysm advocates feel the Primal Cat will tug on the string and will start it rewinding This process will be repeated as the universe is unwound and rewound in a continuous cycle. Others feel that when the ball is completely unwound, time and space will stop when the universe reaches the end of its rope and the cat gets bored.